We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
