My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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