We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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