I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
