i love accidental penises.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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