Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
