Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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