Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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