She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
