dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
