The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
