sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
