He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
