I hate your face
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Less talking, more tequila
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
