GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Please don't give away my fajitas
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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