i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
