Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
