The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
