My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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