Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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