my being single is dangerous.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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