Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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