Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
