Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
