Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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