The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
