My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
