Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
