I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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