I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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