ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it glows. i had to have it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize