I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
