i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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