I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
