I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
