After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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