I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
