i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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