In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
