This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We need to get me chipped asap
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize