life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
