i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
