Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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