We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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