I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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