So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
