Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
