I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
