I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
