clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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