And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
