I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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