I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
