To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she told me i tasted like america
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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