you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
