lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
