Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
