The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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