Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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